| 17 December 2008
No, not the Nate Robinson-sized Oompa Loompas. And no, not even the annoying kid that wanted to be on television.
Sports fans have become Veruca Salt, the demanding, spoiled brat who wants everything good in her possession and wants it five minutes ago.
In this age of internet, email, text messaging, twittering, twittering on your phone, and instant Facebook updates from anywhere in the world, society and more evidently, sports society has become an instant gratification monster that will whine, bitch, and complain that we aren't being given the best team in front of us. We're upset that we haven't won five straight world championships in whatever sport our favorite teams play in. We're upset that coaches, who have probably forgotten more about <insert sport here> than 99.9% of the fans will ever know, are still employed after their first three-game losing streak.
In the past seven weeks, the NBA has seen six coaches fired due to not living up to expectations that were never realistic to begin with. That's six out of 30 NBA coaches losing their jobs in the first seven weeks of the regular season. That's 20% of the coaches in this league now unemployed, less than two months into the regular seasons. And here's the crazy thing:
Most of them were on terrible teams with no real chance of contending. So why fire them?
Why fire P.J. Carlesimo from the Thunder? Perhaps, you wanted to see what Scotty Brooks could do, besides look like E from Entourage. Perhaps, you were sick of Kevin Durant playing out of position and you wanted him to help your fantasy team. Perhaps, you were worried that we were about to get a significant dose of Johan Petro and Robert Swift. The thing about this firing is that P.J. was on the hot seat after his first season and was almost canned this summer. So why bring him into the season at all? Perhaps it was Sam Presti doing an old Spurs friend a favor.
Why fire Eddie Jordan from the Wizards? He got an injured group to the playoffs last year. Even though it was in the East, most teams would have no business accomplishing that. You re-signed players just to put butts in the seats instead of trying to build a championship team. Why do the coaches take the fall when GMs and VPs screw up?
Why fire Sam Mitchell? Just a couple of seasons ago, he was the coach of the year. He's gone toe-to-toe with Rafer Alston and won, which is not something that several people in nightclubs can say every off-season. Okay, Sam has rotation problems and doesn't fit the style that Bryan Colangelo would love to fully embrace so maybe it's justified. But isn't it odd that is has become so commonplace for guys to be out of a job shortly after winning a coach/manager of the year award?
Why fire Randy Wittman? Never mind, that's an easy one. He's arguably the worst coach of all time. Moving on.
Why fire Maurice Cheeks? Is it because you signed a player who has been on one playoff team in nine years to a cap-killing contract and then overpaid to keep your own restricted free agent? Is it because your team can't shoot and your new cap-killing contract doesn't play well with your old cap-killing contract down low? Is that Mo's fault?
And why fire Reggie Theus? Is it because you get more Hangtime jokes on the internet than predictions for success? Is it because of this picture? Is it because you have a terrible team that you talked fans into thinking could actually be something this year? Is it because they've been without their best scorer for about five weeks?
And what about the rest of the coaches in the league? There are legitimate troubles with other coaches in this league. Marc Iavaroni almost lost his job after one year with the Grizzlies this off-season. And he's one more six-game losing streak away from getting his walking papers. Mike Dunleavy should be fired and Clippers fans are desperately pining for it. Terry Porter is being maligned in the desert because the Suns aren't running like they used to and nobody is having fun at games. Hell, Kevin McHale is winless since taking over for Randy Wittman in Minnesota. Has a franchise ever fired their interim coach after firing the regular head coach in the same season? I think it's about to happen.
So why is this happening? Because our culture lobbies for and demands instant success at the highest level. LeBron James ruined it for everybody when he instantly lived up to the hype that surrounded him for years before entering the NBA. And Greg Oden is feeling the pressure from that instant success. A 20-year old (fact check please?) center who missed a year with micro-fracture surgery is averaging 8.0 points, 7.9 rebounds, and 1.4 blocks per game and apparently that isn't remarkable. Some regard him as a bust. That's crazy.
It's insane how this instant gratification that the majority of sports fans have adopted is turning it into a "win now or else" world. It's gone past the point of no return. So I'm now going to give you some insight into how the rest of the coaches will be fired this season. That's right. Every coach will be ousted by the end of the season. Here they are in chronological order:
December 23, 2008 - Don Nelson Fired from Warriors
After returning from their long road trip, Nellie is depressed by the cold, winter Bay Area weather and asks Chris Mullin to do him a favor. Mully obliges and fires Nellie so he can keep his money and go to Hawaii for Christmas.
December 26, 2008 - Rick Carlisle Fired from Mavericks
After Jim Carrey's new movie Yes Man is pulled from theaters one week after debuting, Mark Cuban decides to fire Rick Carlisle because he looks too similar to Jim Carrey. Cubes is too paranoid to be linked to another financial blunder.
December 29, 2008 - Lawrence Frank Fired from Nets
After a nasty internet rumor that LeBron James doesn't like kids, the Nets fire their head coach just to make sure that their aren't any mix-ups in the summer of 2010. They also release Brook Lopez because he talks like a 10-year old and Yi Jianlin because they can't get an accurate age for him and don't want to risk it.
January 2, 2009 - Larry Brown Fired from Bobcats
Michael Jordan was always the master at anticipating plays and moves by the opposing teams. He uses that skill in firing Larry Brown to prevent him from leaving the team high and dry in two months. Sean May is named interim head coach because his post-holiday girth assures that nobody else can fit on the bench.
January 8, 2009 - Stan Van Gundy Fired from Magic
After an unfortunate incident at the famous Gold Club after a road game in Atlanta, Stan Van Gundy is fired by Otis Smith. Not all of the details are fully disclosed but there were witnesses that described SVG as drinking too much absinthe, jumping on stage without clothes, and screaming, "Who looks like Ron Jeremy now?"
January 20, 2009 - Marc Iavaroni Fired from Grizzlies
This is a legit firing. He's not Randy Wittman bad but he's not exactly splitting the atom on the sideline either.
January 28, 2009 - Vinny Del Negro Fired from Bulls
After failing to show up to coach the Bulls in Los Angeles against the Clippers, we find out that the Bulls have relieved VDN of his duties for skipping the game to audition to be Scott Baio's stunt double.
January 31, 2009 - Eric Spoelstra Fired from Heat
Pat Riley gets over-excited after a two-game winning streak and fires Spoelstra to take over and lead this team to a championship. But Dwyane Wade gets injured three days later, Pat Riley resigns and Ron Rothstein sets a record for becoming an interim coach for the 37th time.
February 14, 2009 - Mike Dunleavy Fired from Clippers
As a show of love and gratitude to the city of Los Angeles, Lakers' owner Jerry Buss offers to pay the remaining money on Dunleavy's deal if Donald Sterling will fire him and alleviate the frustration that Clippers fans feel. Four days later in a home game against the Suns, Bill Simmons jots down notes for a whimsical tale about Louis Amundson getting hair grooming tips from the Clippers' dancers.
February 19, 2009 - Scott Skiles Fired from Bucks
Skiles gives Senator Herb Kohl a bold ultimatum to get away from the Milwaukee winter -- either, Charlie Villanueva grows eyebrows or Scott Skiles gets canned. Scott no longer has a job and Villanueva stays smooth like a Raisinette.
February 23, 2009 - Byron Scott Fired from Hornets
In a desperate attempt to get Peja Stojakovic going so he stops killing his fantasy team, Byron Scott challenges Peja to a three-point shooting contest after practice. If Scott loses, he gets fired from being the coach. If Peja loses, the Peja heads get replaced by Hedo Turkoglu faces.
February 26, 2009 - George Karl Fired from Nuggets
Mark Warkentein is forced to fire George after the Nuggets lose their 10th straight game and fall out of the playoff picture in the West due to Coby Karl starting over Chauncey Billups in the worst form of nepotism in sports since Dave Thomas got Isiah Thomas a job with the Knicks.
March 1, 2009 - Mike Woodson Fired from Hawks
Hawks owner Michael Gearon fires Mike Woodson after Josh Smith shows him an episode of The Steve Harvey Show and then convinces Gearon that Woodson starred in the show. The terribleness of the episode shows us why the WB nearly killed comedy.
March 15, 2009 - Mike Brown Fired from Cavs
LeBron James jokingly mentions becoming a player-coach in the future and Danny Ferry impulsively acts on it to please his star forward. LeBron implements his new Get the Hell Out of the Way offense and doesn't allow Ben Wallace to cross into the offensive side of the court.
March 19, 2009 - Terry Porter Fired from Suns
After failing to deliver his lines in a humorous manner on the Suns Virtual Locker Room Tour, Steve Kerr fires TP and looks into hiring Samuel L. Jackson. Coach Carter is his favorite movie.
March 22, 2009 - Jim O'Brien Fired from Pacers
JO'B is fired from the Pacers after he accidentally undercuts T.J. Ford in practice and sends him into traction. The Pacers are forced to play Jamaal Tinsley and it pisses Larry Bird off.
March 29, 2009 - Nate McMillan Fired from Blazers
Kevin Pritchard fires Nate after he fails to get Jerryd Bayless to smile.
April 1, 2009 - Michael Curry Fired from Pistons
Curry falls for an April Fool's joke when Rasheed Wallace informs Michael that he is fired from being the coach. Unfortunately, Curry believes it to be true and never returns to the team.
April 6, 2009 - Jerry Sloan Fired from Jazz
An uproar from the rabid Jazz fan base asks for Sloan's job after the Jazz lose in New Orleans and Sloan tells the reporters that Chris Paul is the best point guard in the NBA. Larry Miller obliges in fear for his life.
April 9, 2009 - Doc Rivers Fired from Celtics
The Celtics win their 73rd game and as Doc Rivers reminisces with Danny Ainge, he jokingly says that he was a better shooter than Ainge. Ainge fires him on the spot and immediately shoots jumpers in a poorly lit gym.
April 10, 2009 - Rick Adelman Fired from Rockets
Rick Adelman fired after an unfortunate incident. He mixed up Ron Artest's medication, which turned calm and collective Ron into maniacal Ron who went Cloverfield on the city of Houston. This led to yet another "Houston, We Have a Problem" headline on ESPN.com.
April 13, 2009 - Mike D'Antoni Fired from Knicks
James Dolan has no idea what he's doing. The Knicks fail to make the playoffs and he clears house. He then drunkenly calls LeBron James' cell phone and talks about how he thinks they should get an apartment together.
April 14, 2009 - Phil Jackson Fired from Lakers
After Mitch Kupchak is finally fired due to constant advances towards Jeanie Buss in an effort to one-up Phil Jackson, Jerry Buss inexplicably turns the team over to Jerry Krause after watching highlights from the Bulls team that actually could win 70 games in a season. Krause immediately fires Phil Jackson and gives a courtesy call to Tim Floyd who is working at WalMart as a greeter.
April 15, 2009 - Gregg Popovich Fired from Spurs
Doris Burke interviews Gregg Popovich, Edward James Olmos and Mark McGwire's back in HD, which causes the majority of televisions in the greater San Antonio area to liquify. Pop takes the fall and McGwire's back disappears for the next eight years with little scrutiny.
The fans of the sports world have spoken -- we want the golden egg (Larry O'Brien trophy) and we want it now. And since not a single coach in this league can deliver that before the playoffs, everybody must go.
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