| 15 February 2009
This is actually the first time that I've ever sat down to watch the celebrity game. For me, it's been a poor attempt at re-creating the Rock'N'Jock MTV games of the early to mid 1990s only without the entertainment, star power, or sense that this was more enjoyable to watch than being water-boarded. The teams are comprised of television and movie stars, NBA legends, Harlem Globetrotters, and WNBA players. We even have Mike Breen as the fourth referee. So it has to be entertaining, right? Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Here are the rosters that we're dealing with:
East Sunrisers (Get it? Because the sun rises in the East.)
NBA Legends: Dominique Wilkins, Rick Fox
Globetrotters: Wildkat, Handles Franklin
WNBA: Nancy Lieberman, Kira Lawson
"Celebrities": Terrell Owens, James Denton, Zach Levi
West Sunsetters, (Okay, if you got the first one than you should get this one)
NBA Legends: Clyde Drexler, Dan Majerle,
Globetrotters: Special K Daley, Scooter
WNBA: Lisa Leslie
"Celebrities": Chris Tucker, Michael Rappaport, Donald Faison
Here are my running notes from the game/telecast as I tortured myself through watching something that I have vowed to NEVER watch again:
- Either ESPN just tried to give us a throwback intro in the style of Bill Cosby's drawing segments on Captain Kangaroo or I accidentally ingested some LSD. It must be LSD because the artist didn't include Stu Scott's lazy eye.
- According to him, Terrell Owens is apparently out of shape. You're playing against Michael Rappaport!!! You could be 400 lbs and wearing cement shoes and I think you'd outrun him.
- They're making all interviewees putt on a mini-golf course hole just behind the baseline. I get the feeling that if one of the players over runs a ball going out of bounds, we're going to have a hill in centerfield in Houston level problem on our hands. Over/under on torn ACLs because of this is at 1.5. I'll take the over.
- I may be the only person in America who has no clue who James Denton is. Apparently, he has many leather-bound books and is very important. Allegedly, he plays "Mike Delfino" on Desperate Housewives. Does that have anything to do with Carlos Delfino? Does he play Chuck's uncle on the show? I may need to start watching.
- Just looked up Denton on IMDB. Apparently he was Buzz in Face/Off and has played a doctor on such shows as Reba and Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. I'm technically more of a celebrity than him. I'd like to be in this game.
- Oh no! Donald Faison is 5-37 shooting lifetime in Celebrity games. I named my dog after him on Scrubs. Brown Bear may now be changed to Mike Delfino at the end of this game.
- Rick Fox looks different to me now than in his playing days. It's either that he was once willingly sodomized on the show Dirt with a champagne bottle or he now looks like Herman Munster's stunt double. Either way, it's not a good thing.
- Stu Scott's generation is the one that watched Dr. J and said he's the man? Really? How old is Stu Scott? Just looked it up and Stu will be 44 this year. Wow, he doesn't look a day over annoying as hell.
- Michael Rappaport is playing in this game. I think we're using the term celebrity loosely here. I remember when Michael Rappaport played in the MTV Rock'N'Jock games. Add 30 lbs and 16 yrs and I bet he's a good player now.
- Chris Tucker is either gaining weight for a re-remake of the Nutty Professor or the Rush Hour residual checks are still coming in. He actually looks more out of shape than Magic Johnson and Magic has HIV. Mix in a salad every once in a while, Chris.
- Magic Johnson's strategy for correcting Donald Faison's 5-37 shooting is for Donald to shoot more. I wonder why Magic didn't make it as a head coach.
- Michael Rappaport just jumped the tip with Dominique Wilkins. Mike attempted to jump and somehow got lower to the ground. Can you have a negative vertical? Maybe when you are 95 lbs overweight, you can.
- Michael Rappaport apparently has a better vertical than the new age Rick Fox. That was painful to watch.
- Michael Rappaport leads the fast break and dribbles like he's drunk, out of breath after two minutes, or drunk and out of breath after two minutes. This is going to end with a quadruple bypass.
- It's 8-4 early in the first quarter, which according to Jon Barry was the halftime score of last year. Remember when entertainment was supposed to be entertaining?
- Dominique has no interest in passing at all. Some things never change.
- A Globetrotter by the handle of ... well... Handles was dribbling on his knees and back. And was still taller than Nate Robinson. (Rim shot, please!)
- Chris Tucker just missed a three by about 13 feet, which turned into an alley-oop off the backboard to T.O. at the other end.
- Dominique just tried to dunk the ball and got blocked by the iron. Just do what Candace Parker and Pau Gasol do. Lay the ball up and then grab the rim.
- 8-8 after the first quarter. I want to die.
- Wired segment is with Chris Tucker. Let's settle this now. He's no longer funny. Now can we avoid these moments?
- Stu Scott wants Jameer Nelson to putt on the mini-golf hole. Doesn't he have a bad shoulder? Otis Smith just put a hit out on Stu. If Xavier McDaniel walks into the building, there will be blood.
- Either ESPN just put in the Batman style clang after a dunk by a Globetrotter or this LSD is still in me and I'm going to a happy place where only Adam West in spandex can entertain me.
- Rick Fox is sexually harassing Lisa Leslie.
- Michael Rappaport just ran over Rick Fox. It was the case of the immovable object Rick Fox trying to stop the intolerable force of Michael Rappaport.
- Michael Rappaport plays basketball like a molesting, drunk uncle. Seven fouls in the first half.
- I just realized that I'm a better dribbler than Handles. How am I not in this game? How am I not a Globetrotter for that matter?
- Michael Rappaport just fouled his own teammate. Somebody get this guy some Vitamin B and a coffee.
- Amare Stoudemire just missed the putt after talking to Stu. We're now 0/3.
- Jon Barry just informed us that Dominique Wilkins doesn't try to jump any more because he told him that he's hurting now, doesn't want to jump because of it, and the Human Highlight Reel is no longer. Thanks for crushing everybody's memories, Jon. Why don't you remind me of the reason why my childhood dog died while you're at it?
- Pace of the game has picked up because actual basketball players are controlling the game and Chris Tucker is having a weight gaining competition with Michael Rappaport off to the side. As always, Sean May won that competition.
-- Danny Granger misses two chances at making the putt. We're 0/4 now.
- Nancy Lieberman just gave an Ed Hoculi shot because Mike Breen called her for a foul. Two things about that: 1) That was probably the sentence that I figured I would be least likely to say in my lifetime. 2) Can Ed get some peace of mind? This guy is still taking hell for irrelevant happenings.
- Mo Williams is starting off the fourth quarter with a shot at the putt. 0/5.
- Rick Fox is now wearing tights. Do I even need a witty comment or joke right now?
- T.O. is taking over this game so you know it isn't being played on a football field.
- 3:44 left in the game, we've come back from commercial break with no sound. Now if they can just get rid of the visual too, we'll be back to business.
- Sound is back in time for Stu Scott to interview Shaq, which means Shaq will putt. He misses too. 0/6. Tiger Woods is the only person who can save this sport.
- Dr. J calls a timeout with 29.7 seconds left and a one-point deficit. He's either setting up a final shot for T.O. or trying to hold a human resources meeting about Rick Fox's amorous conduct on the court.
- Dominique drops in a bucket to go up one, followed by a Donald Faison turnover that leads to free throws. (Another sentence that I never thought I would have to say.)
- Bucket full of confetti just caused Jon Barry to fall out of his chair. Apparently, Mike Breen put him up to it. If it wasn't for the Bill Simmons podcast with Breen, I don't know that I could ever watch him with respect ever again.
- Dan Majerle throws the ball to the wrong Globetrotter, followed by a botched 3 on 0 fastbreak. That pretty much sums up this game.
- Harlem Globetrotters are the players of the game. But TO is the MVP?
That was a complete waste of time. It set basketball back 100 years and it definitely set entertainment back 1,000 years if not more. It's going to have to take a great All-Star Weekend to make up for this garbage.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take Mike Delfino for a walk before it starts raining.
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