| 16 February 2009
All-Star Saturday has been a disaster most years since the inception of the WNBA and David Stern tried to show us how interlocked the two leagues are. Unfortunately, he's wrong and forcing this aspect of the NBA's assets upon us generally causes malaise and anger from the NBA fans. We've suffered through Two-Ball and Justin Timberlake posting up Frankie Muniz in a three on three basketball game. Well, this year the NBA added HORSE, slapped a five-letter sponsor on it, and attempted to spruce up this often failing day. Here's what transpired.
G-E-I-C-O Competition
- Oh no, Ernie Johnson looks to be prominently involved with the G-E-I-C-O competition. This could easily be the most painful interaction to watch since Mikey called Nicky too many times in Swingers. Ernie asks O.J. Mayo what his approach is. I'm guessing that he wants to make shots since it's a game of HORSE but I could be wrong.
- The rules of HORSE are being reviewed and it looks like there are some unnecessary restrictions. 24-seconds to declare and shoot that shot? Can't repeat a made shot? Isn't this a game of HORSE? Glad that we found a way to ruin this from the start.
- Apparently, there's a referee to ensure that ... well ... I have no f*&^ing clue why they would have referee, Mark Wunderlich out there. Maybe they're afraid that someone is going to swear too much and show cause for a technical foul.
- We've introduced the competition, the Boys and Girls Club, and now are going to commercial. They wouldn't ruin this competition by throwing in a bunch of commercial breaks would they? Can't the commercial breaks be like this first one where we get a replay of the Jordan-Bird Big Mac shooting contests?
- Kevin Durant starts us off by taking a corner three and just misses. O.J. Mayo misses a banked free throw. Uh oh. Maybe a little hangover rust is impairing these guys.
- Kevin Durant tries the first trick shot with a behind the backboard attempt that doesn't come close and prompts Kenny Smith and Chris Webber (who are annoyingly mic'd up) to try to lead the crowd in an "Airball" chant. Oh crap, Ernie Johnson asks for instant replay on the attempt. So THAT'S how TNT plans to ruin this contest. Instant replay in an event that needs absolutely no instant replay. I'm glad we found this out early so I can start drinking.
- Joe Johnson gets creative with a between the legs, left-handed lay-up. It results in Durant hitting the bottom of the backboard and Kenny Smith reminding people that he's up in a tower-type platform. G for Durant.
- Kenny Smith just said, "We just seen that." English grammar just threw up on itself.
- Joe Johnson makes an over the head shot from just inside the free throw line, which causes Durant to get his second letter when he throws it behind the backboard.
- Ernie Johnson is desperately trying to be one of the guys by making small talk with the players. EJ, you're not one of the guys. Just do your job and stay out of the way, please.
- Durant misses a corner three after Joe Johnson made it to give him G-E-I. Ernie catches the ball, makes a comment about the ball being so cold, and then daydreams about being a professional athlete.
- O.J. Mayo shows the most creativity so far by heading into the bleachers behind half court. Ernie Johnson mentions that members of the crew have made that shot. O.J. couldn't give a shit about that if he tried. By the way, Mayo nails it and it causes Joe Johnson to get his first letter, G.
- Mayo hits a left-hander from the elbow, which Joe Johnson can't match. Joe has G-E, KD has G-E-I and Mayo is clean.
- Kevin Durant can't match Joe Johnson's through the legs, right-handed reverse and is stuck with G-E-I-C and looks like my pick for winning this was completely wrong.
- Ernie Johnson keeps explaining who needs to make what and when like nobody has ever played a game of HORSE before. If this thing were any more micro-managed, it would be my day job.
- O.J. misses a slot three after Durant makes it to give Mayo his first letter, G. We have Durant with G-E-I-C and Joe Johnson with G-E-I.
- Joe misses a slot three from the other side of the court after Durant makes and O.J. misses. G-E-I-C for JJ. And Kevin Durant just followed that up by making one from about 40-feet. Mayo misses and gets G-E.
- Joe Johnson is eliminated on a granny-style free throw after O.J. Mayo made it. Kenny Smith and Chris Webber sing "Na na na na, hey hey hey, good-bye." Witty moments are running rampant between the peanut gallery and EJ's need to be included.
- Kevin Durant is now officially on fire and calls himself a "slow-roaster." He makes a three from the side, which is missed by Mayo to give O.J. G-E-I. Durant follows that with a 27-footer that Mayo answers. EJ is amazed by these guys hitting but don't seem to realize that they're professional basketball players and this is what they do.
- Durant makes a three from the left corner that takes three bounces before dropping. O.J. somehow hits the top left corner of the backboard and misses badly to tie KD at G-E-I-C. Durant is easily the best shooter on the court.
- Durant ends it with a corner three from the right side that Mayo can't match. Durant wins the re-inaugural H-O-R-S-E competition and gets a My Little Pony type of trophy. EJ can hardly contain himself. He's trying to figure out how Kevin Durant. Durant responds with the fact that he made shots. Unwavering analysis on TNT! I'm honestly surprised that there wasn't a single shot of a Geico caveman.
- This thing is painfully over and needs to be revamped for next year. It's a great idea but there is no need for a ref. There is no need for EJ on the court. Get rid of the 24-second clock. Just mic up the three guys, give them each a ball, and get the hell out of their way.
Shooting Stars Competition
- So I need running notes of this? I can break this down into one quick paragraph. For the most part, the WNBA players were the best shooters on the floor, which seems alarming in terms of the fundamentals of today's current game. Bill Laimbeer is 450 pounds. This is basically a moot competition until the teams get to the half court shot. If you hit that shot early, you're probably going to win the round. So maybe they should just have a competition to see which team can make the most half court shots in the one minute. Wouldn't that be much more entertaining? I don't care if Lisa Leslie can hit a baseline jumper or if Tim Duncan can make a top of the key jumper. I just want to watch Dan Majerle shoot half court shots.
- One more thing: David Robinson looks like he's still sculpted and could still play in today's game. I think he must have Kevin Willis as his trainer.
Skills Competition
- There's not much to talk about here, either. This is a weird competition with the way it is set up and executed. Of course, these guys can nonchalantly move through this course and not really care. Derrick Rose won this by not moving fast but just moving efficiently. Who wants to watch THAT? If you want to involve the point guards, they should have foot races with the ball to test who is truly the fastest. Set up more of an obstacle course and get rid of the passing and shooting.
- But you can keep the Skills Competition and put a nice little twist on it. Let's have big men compete in this thing. If I saw a field of Anderson Varejao, Johan Petro, Mark Madsen, and Jerome James, I would look forward to this most of all. Let's have some fun with this All Star Weekend if nobody is goin g to be competitive and bust their ass.
- There was one funny moment when a ball boy got in the way of an almost bounce pass that cost Mo Williams about a second or more. He ended up being eliminated by this margin. I would imagine that the fiery fans of Cleveland will be as out-spoken about this as they were about his All-Star "snub."
Three-Point Contest
- Reggie Miller and Kenny Smith might actually not like each other. They seemed to be exchanging little jabs here and there and it might because of some alleged cheating in a past shooting contest between these two.
- Kenny Smith mentions that if this contest was one-step in, then Mike Bibby would win. I would counter that if this was being an a-hole contest then Mike Bibby would blow away the field.
- Reggie Miller and Kenny Smith are arguing over whether the Dunk Contest or the Three-Point Shootout is more suspenseful. This is the least suspenseful argument of all time.
- Rashard Lewis starts off with a solid first round score of 17. He made three money balls and finished strong with 14 of a possible 18 points. Gone are the days of Glen Rice torching the nets for 20.
- Kenny Smith talked about the middle rack being the most important rack of the competition. And he's right. If you aren't hitting from straight away, you aren't winning this competition. With that said, if there wasn't a basketball follower that didn't figure that out, I find the overall understanding of the game in this country to be at an all-time low.
- Mike Bibby banks in a three from the wing and it causes Kenny Smith to mention that he's outside of his range. He then air-balls from the corner, which seems to piss Kenny off. Bibby finishes with 14 in the round and only made two shots on the final two racks.
- Daequan Cook is tabbed as the guy in the competition with the purest form but Kenny doesn't believe in him at all. Cook finishes with 18 and makes four of five money balls. I've always loved guys like Cook who used the unconventional method of shooting from the right side of the rack. And after watching his first round, I immediately regret ripping the decision to include him all week. This could come back to bite me in the ass.
- Kenny Smith keeps taking shots at Granger saying that he's a scorer and not a shooter as Danny makes just 13 points in his round. Kenny says that he has a seat next to him for Danny and it seems to be inevitable that he won't move on. It's prompted Reggie and Kenny to wonder out loud why Eddie House, Ray Allen, and Dirk Nowitzki aren't in this competition. Preaching to the choir, my friends.
- In maybe the funniest moment in Three-Point Contest announcing history, Kenny and Reggie talk about how ashy Roger Mason's legs are during the competition. They make comments about him needing Jergens. Mason just misses the money ball at the end to give him just 13, which means he won't advance. But I'm sure he'll be given a lovely parting gift that will smooth out his skin.
- Apparently, Adonal Foyle stole Dwyane Wade's yellow vest from the Rookie-Sophomore Game. He's in the second row of this thing, just waiting to make the Adonal Foyle face during the dunk contest.
- Kapono hits 16 in his round with three money balls that just gets him into the final round. Reggie Miller breathes a sigh of relief for his fellow Bruin. Apparently, this used to be a good basketball program.
- Rashard Lewis, Daequan Cook and Jason Kapono move onto the finals. Didn't this thing used to have eight players, three rounds, and split-screens? Why did that go away? Just to make the competition less fun?
- In the finals, Kapono gets a paltry 14 and Kenny Smith continues to proclaim that Kapono isn't going to three-peat. He's been saying it all night after Reggie Miller says something positive about him.
- Reggie Miller just stated that people forget that Rashard Lewis is 6'10". They probably do until they look at him and see how tall he is. How is that possible to forget that? Who forgets that? Rashard Lewis knocks out Kapono by hitting his last money ball to get 15. Long gone are the days of Kapono hitting 24 and 25 in the finals to put this away.
- Halfway into the second rack for Cook, Kenny Smith congratulates Rashard Lewis on his win. He states that he knows basketball players and because this kid is on this stage, he doesn't think he could do it. By the way, Cook hits his last four shots to tie Rashard Lewis and send it into another final round. You sure know basketball players, Kenny. It's like a fourth or fifth sense, right?
- Lewis hits nothing on the first two racks and Reggie mockingly begins to congratulate Daequan Cook. Kenny Smith is probably throwing him middle fingers off camera. He finishes the middle rack with four. He finishes the fourth rack with just six and only makes one on the final rack for a grand total of seven. That would be a strong number if he was going against Joel Anthony.
- Cook wins it by the end of the second rack to pull off the big upset and be the unlikely winner. I feel like an ass for mocking his selection all week. He finishes with 19 and almost triples Lewis' final round output.
The dunk contest recap will be given it's own piece. I'm going to need some room for that. Stretch your legs, get a drink, and come back for some more pithiness.
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