| 16 February 2009
The Dunk Contest used to be eight players deep, with three rounds, and a routine by each player. They shortened the field, experimented with a wheel, and eventually sucked the life out of what used to be the best part of All-Star Weekend. Last year, Dwight Howard came through and put on a show. He brought some legitimacy to Magic Johnson screaming that the Dunk Contest was back. This year, he had to bring something extra with the weak field of Rudy Fernandez, J.R. Smith, and Nate Robinson (the bane of the Dunk Contest's existence). Here's what went down.
- Player intros for the dunk contest begin and we're "treated" to the sounds of a band called Kevin Rudolph. Or maybe it's just one guy with a house band. It's confusing because there are two singers. A wannabe rapper who looks like any white guy that dresses how he thinks a black basketball player would dress. And then the guy who I'm assuming is actually Kevin Rudolph. During the intros, J.R. Smith and Rudy Fernandez look like they're about to urinate all over themselves from sheer nerves. Nate Robinson on the other hand attempt to dance with the music and are rather enjoying their places in life right now.
- Either Nate and Dwight are attempting to play air-guitar or they're air-masturbating in an attempt to be the next Timberlake/Janet debacle. Either way, it's hilariously awkward.
- Kevin Harlan, Reggie Miller, and Kenny Smith unnecessarily go over the results of stuff we just spent the past 90 minutes watching. Either, they think our attention spans are the size of Nate Robinson or they're killing time as the stage for the band is cleared off the floor.
- We're introduced to the Suns-laden judges table. Tom Chambers is the first man shown, which causes Reggie to shoot out that "Mark Jackson doesn't want to see him." After about a beat and a half, Kenny replies with, "He only knows him from the waste down." That was actually hilarious. The rest of the judges are Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Cedric Ceballos, and Larry Nance.
- Ceddy Ceballos shows his phone to the camera, which reminds everybody that the winner of this contest will be decided American Idol style. Every true dunk contest fan just threw something through a wall. And if you didn't, I'd check your pulse.
- The requisite and always uninteresting pre-contest interview with Cheryl Miller and a contestant begins with Dwight Howard standing in. He jokingly acts like he doesn't know what he's going to do. Why does this interview happen? Just to give Cheryl something to do? Why would he tell us? It would ruin the competition even more than the NBA already has!
- J.R. Smith (my pick for the upset win) gets to go first and begins with a bounce dunk. Oddly enough though, he allows it to bounce twice, which excites only Kenny Smith because he's trying to pretend like that is more impressive than a single bounce dunk. It was underwhelming no matter how many bounces the toss took. He gets a 43, which almost eliminates him. Glad that I didn't put money on him.
- Rudy Fernandez is up second and pulls off his jersey to show his Martin Blazers jersey underneath. Problem is that nobody knows who this Martin is. Is it Larue Martin (Rey, there's your next obscure player) as Reggie inquires? Is it Ricky Martin? Is it Martin who always said, Daaaaaaaamn, Gina?" Well, TNT flashes a full-screen graphic explaining that it's honoring Fernando Martin, the first Spanish-born player in the NBA. The problem is that they flash it on his approach so all we see when they cut back to Rudy is a one-handed tomahawk. We missed the underwhelming behind the back toss off the backboard.
- Kevin Harlan is nice enough to let us know that Fernando Martin died in a car accident, which momentarily shuts up the jeers and jests from Reggie and Kenny. 42 for the dunk is given to Rudy. Next!
- Nate Robinson is up next and throws down a windmill dunk off the bounce that is maybe the smoothest dunk he's ever done in a contest. Reggie screams that he's 5'2" and is very impressed. He racks up a 46 for his efforts and will have to avoid crapping on himself on his next attempt to make it to the next round.
- Dwight Howard is up next and tries a bounce toss from behind the baseline. He misses the first attempt, gets the crowd on his side before bring it home with a windmill. It was a decent dunk that is easily the worst of his contest career. The judges are going to hurt him with a ... 50? A 50?!?!? Are you serious? How is that a 50? Are they just making sure he's in the finals? I'm getting a big whiff of conspiracy theory here with him getting a 50 for that mediocre dunk. Even if he got it on the first try, it wasn't spectacular AT ALL.
- In order to kill all momentum and excitement, we cut to commercial break.
- Pau Gasol will assist Rudy on his second dunk attempt. Reggie claims that they're division rivals and yet when I double-check the standings, they're still not in the same division. Interesting. Pau is unnecessarily throwing behind the back passes off the back of the backboard while Rudy tries to soar through and throw it down on the other side of the rim. Pau switches to a normal pass but now Rudy can't bring the ball around to the rim without losing it. His two minutes are up so now he gets two final attempts. He gets on the first one and it's a damn impressive dunk. If he did that on the first or second time, it would be a 48. Instead, he gets a 42 and jokingly (but probably seriously) blames Pau Gasol to the camera.
- We're informed that Sonny Weems will be assisting J.R. Smith and Kenny Smith has no idea who this is. He's wondering why Chauncey Billups isn't helping out and I'm sure at this point, J.R. is too. J.R. and Sonny (that sounds like a buddy cop movie tandem) can't seem to figure out what they want to do after two failed attempts so naturally, Sonny heads to the stands to throw a long bounce toss. On the second one from here, Smith throws down a weak two-handed dunk. As Kenny Smith proclaims, the toss was better than the dunk. 43 for J.R., which pretty much ends his dunk contest career.
- Nate Robinson attempts his next dunk by trying to jump off of Wilson Chandler's back as Chandler hits the floor on all fours. Um, is this legal? The result of the first attempt is a physical comedy act that would make Chris Farley proud. The second attempt is successful but weak. Nate is given a 41, which sends him into the second round. He leaves the court, inexplicably. Kevin Harlan thinks he may have pulled something when he slipped on the first attempt.
- Dwight Howard brings out Jameer Nelson to help except Jameer has a bad shoulder that could keep him out for the year. Interesting. Dwight steps this up a notch and brings out his own hoop so he can raise it to 12-feet and do something that only LeBron, Superman, and Chuck Norris can do. Dwight also walks off the court to a phone booth that he has set up. His showmanship knows no bounds. He emerges in a Superman cape and has already locked up his place in basketball comedy history. Jameer Nelson tosses it off the backboard of the raised hoop, it clips the rim and ruins the toss for Dwight. But Dwight throws it down and unfortunately, people aren't overly impressed. Do they realize that thing is 12-feet high? He gets a 50 for style but the execution wasn't great.
- Nate and Dwight move onto the Finals, which will be decided by text message voting. Shoot me now.
- Nate Robinson has changed into all green in an effort to one-up Dwight's Superman act. Anybody else get the feeling this was completely staged? This is like the modern day Quiz Show only not smart. Reggie Miller is screaming that Nate has the Kryptonite for Dwight.
- Kenny Smith has breaking news that LeBron James will enter the 2010 Dunk Contest. This just sent basketball bloggers into a gian t cyber, circle jerk.
- Nate's first finals dunk is a reverse, pump off the bounce that reminds everybody of Harold Miner. He has thrown down two of the smoothest dunks that he's ever attempted. And in an effort to win over our not-so-resident cynic, Andy Eisner, Reggie Miller mentions that Andre Iguodala was robbed in 2006. I'm waiting for a score for the dunk but I forgot that texting will decide this contest so there is no score. Does anybody else find this stupefying?
- Dwight Howard's first dunk of the finals is a toss of the side of the backboard that he throws down with a sexual and violent tomahawk slam. Ted Bundy thought it was out of control. And it gave Nate Robinson the Adonal Foyle face. Again, no score given because it's being judged by 12-year olds.
- For his last attempt, Nate bring out a Kryptonite green ball and puts Dwight Howard at the semi-circle designated for charge/blocking fouls. He pushes off of Dwight's back, jumps to the side to clear Dwight, and throws down the dunk. Why don't they give him a trampoline so he can be given another unfair advantage? Kevin Harlan in an effort to quell suspicion of this being rigged claims that Nate Robinson didn't get any extra push from Dwight's back. The laws of physics beg to differ.
- Cheryl Miller gets LeBron to confirm Kenny Smith's claims. LBJ says he's preliminarily or primarily (one's correct, one's wrong, and he used both) putting his name in the dunk contest for next year.
- Dwight Howard goes to the other side of the court and it looks like he'll try a free throw line dunk. Reggie says that it won't look good. Kenny asks if maybe he'll jump from the three-point line. Reggie says that this isn't EA Sports. Kevin Harlan corrects him and says it isn't 2K Sports probably to avoid a sponsorship violation, I'm sure. This is truly commentary at its finest.
- Dwight dunks it from a step inside the free throw line and Reggie was correct; it doesn't look good. We get our first shot of Jerome Williams. Apparently, Jerome will be at every dunk contest until the end of time. Now, we cut to commercial to give time for the text and online votes to be tallied. This couldn't be a worse system.
- Cheryl Miller asks if this was everything Phoenix thought it would be. This is followed by antipathy and lack of interest from the crowd. I'm going to go with a "no" on this one, Cheryl.
- Nate Robinson is the winner with 52% of the vote. That means that Nate Robinson joins Harold Miner, Isaiah Rider, Jason Richardson, Dominque Wilkins, and Michael Jordan as two-time champs. I want to throw up in my mouth and punch kids in the face right now. This is just wrong.
- One final thought for this, I don't feel like I just watched a dunk contest. I feel like I just watched an NBA sponsored variety show. I feel like this was set up. I feel like this was rigged. And once again, I feel empty, angry, and smarter than the league after a dunk contest. Please save us, LeBron. Please save us. I'll be there in Dallas to watch you bring this back to glory.
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