| 16 February 2009
The All-Star Game is rarely a competitive game for 48 minutes. It's often an exhibition in which everybody takes turns showing off until the final five minutes when the coaches go with their best five and try to play some serious ball to get the win. Would this year be any different? Read on to find out.
- Shaqowockeez are a big hit.
- East starting lineup dances through the intros. West team is all business. Could this be an ominous sign of what's to come?
- Dwight Howard gives a pointless, brief speech to the crowd in which he literally says nothing of substance to fire up the Phoenix crowd. Then ends it with "Let's get this." Um, what? Let's get what? Who is part of this "let's?" Does that include the West team? I'm thoroughly confused.
- David Aldridge informs us that Allen Iverson cuts his braids off because Obama is President and it's time for a change. Sounds about right.
- Craig Sager is dressed like a Sanrio store.
- Shaq and Kobe on the same team together for the first time since the last time. Cats and dogs living in harmony. Mass hysteria ensues.
- As we come back from the commercial break after the first quarter ends, the cameras show some couples in attendance. They show Jay-Z and Beyonce. They show John McCain and his wife. And sadly, I'm pretty sure that Jay-Z and Beyonce are more recognized by the broadcast audience tonight. By the way, when did John McCain's better half become a Stepford Wife? Was that after the lost election?
- The West are currently on a 30-7 run or as I like to call it, "Any given point during a game against the Kings." East trailed 27-38 early in the second quarter.
- Doug Collins thinks that Tony Parker and Devin Harris are faster with a ball than without. It's that kind of judgment that gave Doug so much success in coaching.
- Sanrio store reports from the sideline that Devin Harris set the Guinness World Record for end to end with a basketball at 3.93 seconds. Okay Doug, I take that back. Maybe he is faster.
- Paul Pierce has 14 points in his first six minutes and the East is down 43-46. MVP watch is on right now.
- Garnett pushes Pau Gasol from behind on a lay-up attempt and the internets go crazy as they put together their latest footage of trying to prove that Kevin Garnett is an asshole.
- Sanrio store interviews Dirk Nowitzki about helping out kids during this All-Star Weekend and holds him up from going into the game. He lets Dirk know that Phil Jackson wants him in and Dirk looks legitimately scared and worried that Phil might be mad at him. Maybe Phil is scarier than we think...
- Marv Albert mentions that Terry Porter is rumored to be fired as TNT begins to go to a commercial. Doug Collins speaks about the coaching situation in the NBA being so volatile as he quickly breaks out his laptop to update his résumé.
- We get some nice footage of Bill Russell's playing days before Marv mentions that Bill was given the honor of the Finals MVP award being called the Bill Russell Award. Then Russell is presented with a giant 75th birthday cake from Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen. As always when cake is presented to someone, the Fat Signal hits the sky and Sean May begins slowly meandering in the direction of that cake to annihilate it before anyone can get a bite.
- LeBron James posts Brandon Roy just below the free throw line and does a turn around left-handed push shot that isn't quite a jumper and sure as hell isn't a hook shot. It bounces wildly off the backboard and the league sighs in relief that he doesn't have that developed yet.
- Bill Russell is digging into his birthday cake. Somewhere Oliver Miller is salivating.
- Chris Paul misses a jumper to end the first half and the West are winning 72-67. MVP Watch - Paul Pierce has 14 points. LeBron James has 10. Kobe Bryant has 13 points. Amare and Pau each have 10.
- "Ladies and gentlemen, recording sensation Chris Brown! ... He did what? Oh crap. Is Shaq available for halftime? Can someone track him down?"
- Sanrio store interviews Kobe Bryant at half and immediately asks him about playing with Shaq again and wonders what Kobe thought about the dance with the "Wockajobees." Hey Sages, it's Jabbawockeez. They were invented about 40 years after your suit.
- Chris Paul gives a speech and presentation at halftime about the NBA Cares program. He's the first NBA player to ever hold the microphone in a way other than Eminem in 8 Mile. I like him even more.
- John Legend and a guy named Juanes perform at halftime. John Legend has honey in his voice as usual. And Juanes looks like Ricky Martin and 1990s John Cougar Mellencamp had a love child at a Josh Hartnett film festival.
- There's an Olympic ceremony at halftime after the musical act that looks like it was designed to rub in the gold medal win for the Team USA. Yao Ming, Dirk Nowitzki, Luis Scola, Pau Gasol, and Marc Gasol are apparently going to be forced to watch us give adoration to Team USA. Jerry Colangelo is presenting them with rings that seem to represent that we're either in an economic crisis and the NBA doesn't care or that we're in an economic crisis and Kay Jewelers is still doing just fine.
- The rings look like the mood ring that Anna Chlumsky lost and eventually caused Macaulay Culkey to get killed by killer bees in My Girl. Uplifting moment! (By the way, any Arrested Development fan read that sentence and immediately thought in their heads, "Beads? Bees?" and it warms my heart.)
- Kenny Smith is talking about Chris Paul's full court pressure during an All-Star game and explaining that examples of play like that are the reason why this is such a competitive All-Star game early on. I couldn't have more of a man crush on Chris Paul right now.
- Ernie Johnson is killing Sanrio for calling the Jabbawockeez, the Wockajobees.
- I just realized that Reggie Miller is the third man in the booth for the announcing crew. This makes me feel very proud of Marv Albert controlling the broadcast of this game enough, which caused me to completely ignore Reggie. Marv is the greatest.
- 15 dunks between the two teams in the first half. That seems really low for some reason.
- LeBron James cuts quickly down the lane, gets fouled, switches hands on the lay-up and makes the basket. Reggie references the famous move by Michael Jordan. Without skipping a beat, Doug Collins says that it reminded him of game two in the Finals with the Bulls against the Lakers in which Michael Jordan switched hands and Marv Albert had the famous call. Apparently, I'm not the only one ignoring Reggie tonight.
- I think that Reggie Miller may think that Dwyane Wade's name is Dwyane Wayne. - Dwight Howard goal-tends a shot inside by slapping the ball into the third row in Bill Russell's direction. A piece of Bill just died inside and Dikembe Mutombo is rolling over in his grave.
- With 4:39 left in the third, Kobe Bryant has 23 points and the West is up 97-85. MVP Watch is officially a one-man watch right now.
- Shaq takes the ball on the wing and starts dribbling the ball like an And 1 player against Dwight Howard. He tosses the ball between Dwight's legs to a posting Chris Paul, slashes towards the basket, gets a bounce pass from Paul, and flushes home a two-handed dunk. How can anybody not like Shaq?
- Shaq is taking this game over. West are up 109-89 thanks to Shaq dunks.
- West up 110 to 91 at the end of the third. Ugly close to the third quarter with a big scoring lull. MVP Watch is now a two-man race with Kobe and Sh aq. Could we get co-MVP and have ESPN's collective heads explode?
- Desperate Housewives is apparently one of Doug Collins' favorite shows. Reggie Miller seems like he really wants to make fun of Doug. I'd love to make fun of Doug here but I often end up watching The Bachelor with my girlfriend as I write Monday nights.
- LeBron James goes off glass to himself and misses the dunk, Devin Harris saves it to Dwight Howard to prevent the turnover, Dwight Howard shoots the three, and Dwyane Wade finishes it with a putback dunk. Maybe not EVERYBODY is taking this seriously right now.
- Everyone's favorite All-Star selection, David West, dunks the ball to give the West a 134-112 lead.
- Kobe Bryant tries to pull the God Shammgod dribble move on Dwight Howard but loses control and Howard recovers. Howard brings the ball up, tries the same move on Kobe and dribbles it out of bounds. Commercial break now and the competitive nature is now completely dead. The East seem to know they've lost this game.
- Chris Paul has 12 points, 12 assists, and just one turnover. He won't win the MVP but those are serious numbers for an All-Star Game.
- The game ends with no defense and plenty of highlight dunks. But TNT ruins LeBron's throwdown by going to the over the basket camera. Why do broadcasts do this? There's nothing better when watching a dunk to have the normal camera angle so you can see the majesty of their full flight from a side angle. The best shot of Jordan's free throw line dunk was from the side, not the camera. Once again, the NBA fails to properly broadcast the best moments from their star-studded affairs.
- Final score is 146-119; West win big. Shaq and Kobe are named co-MVPs, which should make ESPN feel like they're in an orgy with a pound of Viagra.
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