| 16 February 2009
Here are short snippets of each post from this past weekend with a link to the entire post. I hope you enjoy and that it provides a look into the ASW that made it somewhat worth watching events that were poorly organized, terribly executed, and horrendously presented to us.
All-Star Weekend ESPN Celebrity Game
- Either ESPN just tried to give us a throwback intro in the style of Bill Cosby's drawing segments on Captain Kangaroo or I accidentally ingested some LSD. It must be LSD because the artist didn't include Stu Scott's lazy eye.
- According to him, Terrell Owens is apparently out of shape. You're playing against Michael Rappaport!!! You could be 400 lbs and wearing cement shoes and I think you'd outrun him.
- They're making all interviewees putt on a mini-golf course hole just behind the baseline. I get the feeling that if one of the players over runs a ball going out of bounds, we're going to have a hill in centerfield in Houston level problem on our hands. Over/under on torn ACLs because of this is at 1.5. I'll take the over.
- I may be the only person in America who has no clue who James Denton is. Apparently, he has many leather-bound books and is very important. Allegedly, he plays "Mike Delfino" on Desperate Housewives. Does that have anything to do with Carlos Delfino? Does he play Chuck's uncle on the show? I may need to start watching.
- Just looked up Denton on IMDB. Apparently he was Buzz in Face/Off and has played a doctor on such shows as Reba and Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. I'm technically more of a celebrity than him. I'd like to be in this game.
- Oh no! Donald Faison is 5-37 shooting lifetime in Celebrity games. I named my dog after him on Scrubs. Brown Bear may now be changed to Mike Delfino at the end of this game.
Click the link to be directed to the entire Celebrity Game recap. The Link
Rookie vs. Sophomore Game
- Michael Beasley is wearing two different shoes. I think we're having a relapse of the rookie symposium incident.
- Kevin Durant just dunked on Brook Lopez. Lopez definitely wasn't ready for that and Kevin Durant looks like he's the only one taking this seriously. This could vault him into a G-E-I-C-O win tomorrow. I'm glad I picked him.
- We're nine minutes in and 45 points have been scored with the Rookies up 23-22. Somewhere, Mike D'Antoni is getting all hot and bothered in the good way.
- Kenny Smith is wondering why LeBron's triple double at MSG was taken away from him. He is dumbfounded as to why someone would go back and look at it again and that if it wasn't caught the first time then it should just be the way it originally was. So mistakes shouldn't be fixed, Kenny? Would you feel the same about an election that needed a recount? What about anything that instant replay has ever fixed? I think LeBron will like you whether you think he deserves a triple-double or not.
- Derrick Rose just passed up a wide-open three to take a step in for a 20-footer with a hand in his face. Fundamentals run rampant.
- Michael Beasley apparently didn't mean to wear two different colored shoes. He was rushed and didn't notice it. Yep, he's definitely high.
- Dwight Howard just extended a fist in a jabbing motion. Either, he's calling out a play or he's trying to get some dap from guys running by.
- LeBron just said that O.J. Mayo has been successful in basketball so far because he can shoot the ball. Our not-so-resident cynic, Andy Eisner, just got made saying that he's been saying that for 15, 30 years. He's 26 years old.
- Kenny Smith just said that flat tops used to be the equivalent of players these days getting tattoos. Apparently, that's hilarious because LeBron laughed and Kevin Harlan then laughed to fit in.
Click the link to be directed to the entire Rookie vs. Sophomore recap. The Link
All-Star Saturday Events (HORSE, Shooting Stars, Skills, and 3-Point)
- The rules of HORSE are being reviewed and it looks like there are some unnecessary restrictions. 24-seconds to declare and shoot that shot? Can't repeat a made shot? Isn't this a game of HORSE? Glad that we found a way to ruin this from the start.
- Apparently, there's a referee to ensure that ... well ... I have no f*&^ing clue why they would have referee, Mark Wunderlich out there. Maybe they're afraid that someone is going to swear too much and show cause for a technical foul.
- We've introduced the competition, the Boys and Girls Club, and now are going to commercial. They wouldn't ruin this competition by throwing in a bunch of commercial breaks would they? Can't the commercial breaks be like this first one where we get a replay of the Jordan-Bird Big Mac shooting contests?
- Kevin Durant starts us off by taking a corner three and just misses. O.J. Mayo misses a banked free throw. Uh oh. Maybe a little hangover rust is impairing these guys.
- Kevin Durant tries the first trick shot with a behind the backboard attempt that doesn't come close and prompts Kenny Smith and Chris Webber (who are annoyingly mic'd up) to try to lead the crowd in an "Airball" chant. Oh crap, Ernie Johnson asks for instant replay on the attempt. So THAT'S how TNT plans to ruin this contest. Instant replay in an event that needs absolutely no instant replay. I'm glad we found this out early so I can start drinking.
- Joe Johnson gets creative with a between the legs, left-handed lay-up. It results in Durant hitting the bottom of the backboard and Kenny Smith reminding people that he's up in a tower-type platform. G for Durant.
- Kenny Smith just said, "We just seen that." English grammar just threw up on itself.
Click the link to continue reading the All-Star Saturday Events recap. The Link
Dunk Contest
- Player intros for the dunk contest begin and we're "treated" to the sounds of a band called Kevin Rudolph. Or maybe it's just one guy with a house band. It's confusing because there are two singers. A wannabe rapper who looks like any white guy that dresses how he thinks a black basketball player would dress. And then the guy who I'm assuming is actually Kevin Rudolph. During the intros, J.R. Smith and Rudy Fernandez look like they're about to urinate all over themselves from sheer nerves. Nate Robinson on the other hand attempt to dance with the music and are rather enjoying their places in life right now.
- Either Nate and Dwight are attempting to play air-guitar or they're air-masturbating in an attempt to be the next Timberlake/Janet debacle. Either way, it's hilariously awkward.
- Kevin Harlan, Reggie Miller, and Kenny Smith unnecessarily go over the results of stuff we just spent the past 90 minutes watching. Either, they think our attention spans are the size of Nate Robinson or they're killing time as the stage for the band is cleared off the floor.
- We're introduced to the Suns-laden judges table. Tom Chambers is the first man shown, which causes Reggie to shoot out that "Mark Jackson doesn't want to see him." After about a beat and a half, Kenny replies with, "He only knows him from the waste down." That was actually hilarious. The rest of the judges are Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Cedric Ceballos, and Larry Nance.
- Ceddy Ceballos shows his phone to the camera, which reminds everybody that the winner of this contest will be decided American Idol style. Every true dunk contest fan just threw something through a wall. And if you didn't, I'd check your pulse.
- The requisite and always uninteresting pre-contest interview with Cheryl Miller and a contestant begins with Dwight Howard standing in. He jokingly acts like he doesn't know what he's going to do. Why does this interview happen? Just to give Cheryl something to do? Why would he tell us? It would ruin the competition even more than the NBA already has!
Click the link to continue reading the Dunk Contest recap. The Link
All-Star Game
- Shaqowockeez are a big hit.
- East starting lineup dances through the intros. West team is all business. Could this be an ominous sign of what's to come?
- Dwight Howard gives a pointless, brief speech to the crowd in which he literally says nothing of substance to fire up the Phoenix crowd. Then ends it with "Let's get this." Um, what? Let's get what? Who is part of this "let's?" Does that include the West team? I'm thoroughly confused.
- David Aldridge informs us that Allen Iverson cuts his braids off because Obama is President and it's time for a change. Sounds about right.
- Craig Sager is dressed like a Sanrio store.
- Shaq and Kobe on the same team together for the first time since the last time. Cats and dogs living in harmony. Mass hysteria ensues.
- As we come back from the commercial break after the first quarter ends, the cameras show some couples in attendance. They show Jay-Z and Beyonce. They show John McCain and his wife. And sadly, I'm pretty sure that Jay-Z and Beyonce are more recognized by the broadcast audience tonight. By the way, when did John McCain's better half become a Stepford Wife? Was that after the lost election?
- The West are currently on a 30-7 run or as I like to call it, "Any given point during a game against the Kings." East trailed 27-38 early in the second quarter.
- Doug Collins thinks that Tony Parker and Devin Harris are faster with a ball than without. It's that kind of judgment that gave Doug so much success in coaching.
Click the link to continue reading the All-Star Game recap. The Link
Thanks for reading the All-Star Weekend Recap. Hope it brought some joy to an overall joyless weekend. Any comments, criticisms, and praise can be directed to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .
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