| 30 March 2009
As tempting as the chance to see the latest Seth Rogen film or Crank 47: Jason Statham Goes to the Moon was, I was content to see Michigan State and Kansas battle to the last minute for a spot in the Elite Eight. Okay, maybe this little anecdote isn't making my point. Maybe I should start from the beginning.
I will go ahead and say it. My name is Adam Sweeney and I am a Hoop-aholic.
I can trace the start of my horrible addiction as a young boy, when I refused to wear any shirt that didn't have Michael Jordan's face on it. I even had the championship tanktop with the entire team smiling from ear to ear. Trust me, there is nothing more pathetic than seeing a kid walking around with Bill Cartwright on his chest. Maybe that should be a Ron Artest rap single, "Bill Cartwright on My Chest."
When the suede Air Jordans MJ sported in his famed commercials with baller Bugs Bunny came out, I begged my mother to buy them. She made me promise to wear them until they were worn out. The next time I bought a pair of shoes, my beloved AIr Jordans were being held together by duct tape. I still swear to this day that they helped my jumper.
I'd love to say that my addiction has faded throughout the years but it has only grown worse. My love for the game extended beyond the Chicago Bulls and my hometown Rockets into the college game and beyond. It's a sickness really and I don't foresee any cure. What I can do is offer the symptoms of Hoop-itis. At the risk of being the funny basketball version of Jeff Foxworthy (Yes, I know that funny and Jeff Foxworthy don't belong in the same sentence), allow me to take a few moments to offer some warning signs of Hoop-itis.
Grab a pen and paper and keep score. You may be surprised by how many of these apply to you.
- During church, your Pastor asks if you're familiar with the King James edition and you rip open your shirt, revealing a Cleveland Cavaliers jersey and reply, "Familiar? Dude is averaging 28, 7 and 7 this season. Don't bring that weak question to this pew."
- You are a white male and wonder when considering shaving your head ask yourself, "Will I look like Tom Tolbert, Danny Ferry, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, or Jon Barry?"
- You actually can spell Zydrunas Ilgauskas without looking it up, as I just did.
- You intentionally chew ridiculously small pieces of gum and stick your tongue out during pick-up games, reasoning that you saw Michael Jordan do it on ESPN Classic last week.
- If your partner asks whether you have ever had any nicknames in bed, you tell her or him to call you George Gervin, explaining, "One thing I could do was finger roll."
- You still insist that Jay Z was calling out Michigan State University when he said, "H to the Izzo."
- You see rats in pet stores and you spend unreasonable amounts of time trying to convince the sales associate that someone has shrunken Coach K and put him in a cage as a prank.
- You arrange the clothes in your closet by color, going from Carolina blue to Syracuse orange.
- When you're sick you refuse to see the doctor, because we all know there is only one true doctor. Julius Erving.
- You have replaced the words clumsy, dork and cocky with Greg Kite, Karl Malone and Kobe Bryant. (For example, when a waiter slipped and fell down at Chili's, you yell, "Greg Kite, everyone!")
- You wear compression shorts to your workplace ... without any pants. When your boss advises you to put on slacks, you wag your finger at him like Dikembe Mutombo.
- If you are a male, you have asked your girlfriend to wear a Laker Girl outfit. If you are a female, you ask your lover to do the Sam Cassell "Cojones" dance before he comes to bed.
- At Mexican restaurants, when somebody asks you to pass the hot sauce, you instantly become an And 1 hype man as you yell, "Oh baby! Oh baby! It's the Big Burrito!"
- You call on Dean Smith and use the terms "four corners offense" when discussing how you delay a break-up. You also arrange your furniture in relation to this offense in the event that the break-up must take place in your living room.
- You tell your younger sibling or child that they are a virgin so long as they don't commit dribble drive penetration. When they ask you to explain, you tell them to use the 5-second rule.
These are only a few signs of this disease that is gripping the nation. If you are concerned that you might Hoop-itis, by all means DO NOT contact your local physician. Come immediately to the hoop doctors at Talkhoops.net and we will do everything we can to get you through this trying period in your life. We will be the ones by the TV screen wearing the retro Chris Webber Michigan jersey and making Your mother is hairier than Christian Laettner" jokes. After all, we're not just spokepersons, we're also victims.
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
