| 09 May 2010
(Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)
Cleveland Cavaliers 124, Boston Celtics 95
This was not a competitive game at all.
As a new tradition started with the 43-point Orlando Magic blowout in Game One of the second round, there’s really not going to be a recap of a non-competitive game.
Instead, I’d like to you humor me a bit with a little discussion on proper cell phone etiquette. It’s nearly impossible to not have a cell phone or to know somebody who is cell phone-less in this day in age. They’re everywhere. Kids under 10 years old have them. Professional athletes have more than one (for business reasons I’m sure). People have smart phones issued to them for work and don’t have to worry about paying the bill. You can even buy phones when you travel to a different country and use them just for that time there.
Hell, you can even buy cell phones here like you would a disposable Kodak camera. They’ve done wonders for drug dealing and mob activities. Cell phones are great!
But as they’ve become more entrenched in our every day society, their owners have also misused them more and more. People don’t know when it’s acceptable and how you’re supposed to operate cell phones. It’s something that normal people can accept as an annoying part of society but I’m not one of those people. Chances are you’re going to fall into a part of this. Don’t worry though. We’re going to get through improper use of cell phones and get everybody on the same page.
Problem number one with cell phone usage is the shouting that goes on with cell phones. Considering that this is the year 2010 and every cell phone network is a digital cell phone network, there is simply no reason to shout on a cell phone any more. One of the reasons people shout on a phone is because they think the person can’t hear them. Unfortunately, if someone has to shout over noise while talking to a person on the phone, it’s a natural reaction for the second participant to begin shouting too.
Digital networks are great. From what I understand, they create a nearly crystal clear channel to allow individuals to speak over the phone without the possibility of one person not being able to hear the other. This is of course assuming that neither of these people are on AT&T. If you’re on AT&T like I am, then you’ve not only never had a clear network to speak on but also you probably miss calls every day or have dropped calls every day or don’t get reception in just your living room despite getting reception everywhere else in your house.
Since we all have digital networks to speak on there is absolutely no reason to shout on a cell phone unless you’re speaking to someone who is at a concert or a holding cell in a jail or at a house hosting a raucous game of Taboo. Please stop shouting on your phone when you’re around other people. Nobody cares about how drunk you were last night or where you just were on vacation or how many times you saw Avatar in the theater.
Problem number two with cell phone usage is the ringtone issue. We all love ringtones because they make us seem unique, topical and funny. The first time you heard someone’s phone ring with Baby Got Back, you probably pissed your pants and immediately tried to figure out how to put it on your phone. Then you didn’t want to justify spending three whole dollars on the ringtone so you settled for the polyphonic version for one-third of the price and felt like an eternal failure for not spending the extra two dollars.
I, myself, have a fantastic ringer for my iPhone. It’s Dennis and Charlie singing Dayman for the first time on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. People are eternally jealous of the fact that I was able to make my own ringtone and have it be that one. The difference between most people and me is I know how to properly silence my phone when I’m receiving a call in public.
You shouldn’t really have the ringer on your phone at full volume in the first place unless you’re legally deaf in one ear or more. When your phone begins to ring, even though your instincts are to let your Ice, Ice Baby ringtone play all the way through, you really should silence the ring immediately as to not annoy the shit out of people who don’t find it amusing because they’ve heard that song 1,000 more times than you’d ever want to. It’s easy too. All you have to do is hit that volume control button on the side of your phone and it will immediately silence the phone. There are even TWO of those buttons on the side of your phone. You can push either one to be a decent member of society. Just shout “DETROIT AVENUE” in your own head while allowing the rest of the world to move on in blissful silence and everybody wins.
Problem number three is when it’s acceptable to be on the cell phone. You should not use your phone when you’re sitting at a table and your waiter or waitress is trying to figure out if you’d like to add a Caesar salad to your bacon burger in an effort to trick you into thinking that it would be a healthy option. In fact, whenever someone is serving you or doing you a service of some kind you should have the decency to stop your phone call. Don’t be the jerk in the store that is on the phone when someone is trying to ring you up for something. Don’t be the jerk on the phone in a restaurant. Don’t be the jerk on the phone when someone is trying to help you fill out a form.
Just hang up the phone and call the person back later or wait a moment and take the call outside. I assure you that you’re not important enough to have to take that call right then.
And whatever the hell you do, DON’T ever think of texting or answering your cell phone in a movie theater. Someone will eventually stab you for doing so and a judge will exonerate them because YOU were the shitty person for actually thinking this was an acceptable place to use your phone.
Fixing these three simple problems will not only help me and many others tolerate society a little bit more but it will allow you to not be such a horrible person.
Thank you for your time and let’s all hope that the Celtics get their stuff together to make the rest of the games much closer than this whooping.
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